Happy hump day! Welcome back to Thoughts & Musings, where today we will discuss the (typically) dreaded phrase, “We need to talk…”.
Often times, these 4 little words instill anxiety and fear and makes you think of everything you’ve ever done in the history of your existence, ever.
In this episode, we are going to give you a few things that you and your future spouse should consider discussing with one another before tying the knot, to severely limit the number of times that phrase is said in your marriage. So, let’s chat:
1. Kids.
Do you both want them? How many? It’s very true that some people just simply do not want kids, and there is nothing wrong with that, just like there is nothing wrong with wanting kids! But, what could go wrong, is one of you wanting kids and the other being adamant about no kids. Unfortunately, there is very little compromise here, so make sure you both are on the same page on this one before saying, “I do!”. If you agree that no kids are in your future, read on to number . However, if you both want children, then keep reading:Parenting style. Are you going to be the “fun” parents, or the disciplinarians? One of each, maybe? Who gets to be whom? Is spanking an appropriate form of punishment for a wrongdoing, or would a time-out work better? There are a plethora of ways to parent a child, and no one way is right or wrong. The both of you just need to have a discussion about how you envision doing it, that will work for the both of you.
Religion/Spirituality. In what faith, if any, do you want to raise your child(ren)? What holidays do you want to celebrate as a family? Traditionally, the child would be raised under the Mother’s religion, but that doesn’t HAVE to be the case, of course! Talk it out thoroughly, ESPECIALLY if you and your spouse believe in different things. It may be uncomfortable now, but not as uncomfortable as a thorn in your marriage later down the road!
Roles. If/when a baby is introduced into your world, is Mom expected to be a stay-at-home parent while Dad goes to work each day? Or, maybe Dad stays home? Or both parents chase their career dreams, if they have them, and hire a nanny or pay for daycare? Whichever route you choose, is entirely up to you! Just make sure you bring it up in conversation at some point (before the wedding, and definitely before the baby comes, would be best) so you both know what the expectation and wishes are!
2. The Wedding Budget.
Does your dream wedding need to cost you an arm and a leg, or are there things you can forego having to better fit your finances? Although money can be taboo and uncomfortable to discuss, this is a perfect time to practice managing your (joint) finances for after you’re married! Money can be a major red flag in a relationship, and the lack of it can cause more stress than necessary. Be sure to discuss where you’re at, where you want to be, and the means you currently have (and want to save) to get there. This brings us to our next point:DEBT. Start your marriage off on the right foot - transparency. If either of you have a significant amount of debt, it is SO important to be honest about it. You and your spouse will begin to share credit cards, purchase homes, cars, etc., and your credit scores will begin to affect you both (positively and/or negatively). When you’re married, it isn’t just about you anymore; you have to think about the other person now, too.
3. In-Law Expectations.
Do you just adore the members of the family you are joining and want to see them as often as possible, or would you rather limit the visits to just holidays? What kind of influence does your spouse’s Mother have on your spouse, or does your Father-in-law decide where your money should be spent? It seems silly, if you’re married, that your parents still want to have a say in how you “grow up”, but it happens. And when it happens, it can be a big wedge between the newlyweds if you both don’t set/agree on boundaries. We know they are your parents and you love them, but you also love each other and have made a commitment to one another for the rest of your lives!4. Living Situation.
Where do you both want to settle down at, or do you want to live a nomadic lifestyle? Is it important to live closer to work, or in a better school district for when you start your family (if that’s what you decide)? This is a super important topic, even if you don’t exactly know where your forever-place will be. Be sure to be honest about what is important to you - work, schools, family, relocating, starting new/fresh.5. Pre-Nup Agreement.
Want to get super raw with one another? Talk about if a pre-nup is right for THE BOTH OF YOU!6. The D-Word.
We know, we know… this is a wedding planning blog, not divorce court, and we don’t mean to be Debbie-downers, but this is as real as it gets. The goal is forever, not just “for now until you do this, that, or the other thing”. Don’t focus on this too much with your future spouse, but do talk about what your deal-breakers are.
We know that these aren’t the most exciting things to bring up to your forever-person, but that’s why it is that much more important that you do. Don’t just think that because there is a ring on your finger, it will be easier to discuss, and don’t sweep them under the rug and think they won’t surface again. Talk through them now, so you actually KNOW what you are vowing your life to… because this is YOUR life now, too!